Sunday, March 12, 2006

Got It

Its been weeks since my last entry and I honestly feel very bad about that, but I have been so wrapped up in life that I have hardly had a moment to myself. Its been great, but of course I miss the emotional outlet that blogging provides. So, I’m back.

There has been so much changing around here lately. The sequence of events all began with landing the job that I have so been lusting after for the last two months. I have been job searching since last June and its definitely time. I have been waiting for the perfect job to come along and have tried to be as patient as possible. Of course, sometimes that is easier said than done. My current job was a transitional position and while I have loved my coworkers and the situation, there are many aspects of my position that I feel I am now beyond. I’ve worked so hard to complete my graduate coursework, and this position certainly got me through the grunt work. I’ve learned so much from the job, but in the end it is simply not in a field that I could perform well in for my career, there is no room for advancement, and ultimately it is the stereotypical dead end job. So, in two weeks I have the chance to take the first steps in the career direction I have wanted for so long. I feel so amazingly lucky to be where I am and to be (hopefully) heading in the direction that fate and destiny are leading me towards. The 27th is the “big” first day and it will be a little frightening, but exciting and freeing nonetheless.

I had a “blind date” set up last night. Actually a “go-see” might be a better term. I stopped by the local ballpark to determine if this was someone I might be interested in. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. I had planned to go out there on the early end of the day but as things progressed I was forced to head out of town for the day. When I got back to town it was late, but I thought what the hell I’ll go out there and see if he is still around. So, I did and he was very cute. They had been boozing all day so he was a little drunk which made things interesting. I found him to be very attractive and he seems to have a pretty good sense of humor. The whole drunk thing threw me off a little – I guess if I was in that position (they had been out in the sun for 12 hours drinking) and I hadn’t shown by that point I would have assumed I wasn’t coming either. I could tell he felt bad about it. He did call me later that night and we arranged to get together for drinks or dinner tonight. I’m going to let this be the determining evening. He seemed to have some potential so I’m trying to remain open which is always so damn difficult to me.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Naming the puppy...

So, that innocent night I wrote about last week? Well that turned into two other innocent little nights, and a text message from him after he left town last week. Interesting and a little strange. Up until the third night nothing happened – and beyond that nothingothere than a innocent little make-out occurred. It was fun and carefree, but now I am forced to wonder have I taken the wrong steps on the wrong path? A week ago I would have said absolutely not, but now I’m simply not sure. The problem? I have named the puppy. I’m crushing on him something awful. Its unusual because usually that’s all it feels like it is, but this time there is something else there. Being around him is interesting and fun. He makes me laugh out loud, he makes me feel beautiful, and he makes me feel safe. The problem? Well I simply am not looking for a hook up at this point in my life.I'veI’ve been there and have done that – now I want something more. Actually, I want it all. What does he think? Of course I have no clue, but I am very clear that I’ve got to establish some boundaries. I am hoping that when he returns life will get back to normal for both of us and maybe we could have a "real" date. I don’t know. I don’t feel that the damage of hooking up has damaged the potential for dating – at least I hope that it hasn’t. Everything up to this point has been very simple and innocent. My girls and I have always joked about how we never sleep with the ones we truly care about – how true it is in this situation. I never would have imagined in my deepest and craziest dreams that I would be crushing on Mark. I am hesitant to allow myself to be, but at the same time it feels right. Should I allow myself, I am also painfully aware that I must focus not on “doing this right” but rather focus on riding it out and letting it happen to me - not making it happen for me. I think if I am able to let go, to give him the chance to “come to the party” so to speak, and lay down my ground rules and adhere to them things may work out to my benefit.

The hook up – what is it? I guess as college girls, the hook up was a way of life – a means of asserting ourselves as strong, independent females, but for many it also served to make then feel okay in our own bodies – a means of assessing their own value. The twisted reign of feminism taught that our bodies were just that “ours” and that we could assuage our sexual needs openly, without shame, or judgment. You've heard that phrase "fucking like a man" well as much as I hate it it is certainly true to some extent. We all know that isn’t how the world really works – judgment is ever present - that's where that phrase came from. I can remember learning the hard way that you have to work to have sex without the proverbial strings attached. There was always the “BJ queen” – you know the girl who assuaged her feeling about casual sex by not “going all the way” as well as the tease who would go home with a guy and refuse to take her pants off, but maybe a quick hand job. I was never one of those girls. I hated giving blow jobs (how interesting that I have developed such a penchant for doing so in my old age!) and was never much for being a tease. I certainly didn’t sleep with everyone I’ve come across – have always been very choosy, but I would be lying if I said I haven’t had my share of “gosh I wish I hadn’t done that” for a million and a half different reasons. The scariest reason was the realization that feelings had developed through physical intimacy and of course the most significant pain came when I realized those feelings weren’t returned. How do you remedy that? You change your life or you learn to protect yourself, distancing physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. Cut those proverbial strings. Once cut you are free, or so you think. Janis Joplin said “freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose” and how true it is. When those strings are cut you crash down and while yeah you can have sex with a man without feeling you also lose that amazing connection, and that is the very base of what makes sex such an incredible experience. I’ve only had that connection with a couple men in my life and I haven’t felt it in several years. That’s what I want – that moment when it goes beyond just pure animal lust and sex and you yearn to feel skin on skin – that moment where you can feel your chest explode and your mind literally unable to comprehend anything beyond your two bodies and the physical contact. That electricity is so powerful and so rare. I have worked in my past few relationships to reconnect sex and emotion and feel that I am now ready to do so, but unfortunately the rest of the development is tied to my meeting that individual I’m searching for.

In many ways I am a romantic – in that I desperately want to have romance in my life. I want to feel wanted, desired, and adored by someone. I want to have to have someone physically and emotionally, and to be able to walk that line without allowing fear to control how far along that line I can push myself. I have this gut feeling that this situation with Mark has potential. I want to put all of myself out there – of course within reason, but I want to be willing to walk head first into a fire. Sure I will be fearful, but at the same time I will be open and available. If he has truly loved me over these past years then I am saying now, here is your opportunity because I want you too. Such a challenge for me to let go like that, but it is truly where I want to be and this time I refuse to allow my fears and uncertainties to cloud that. Wish me luck – upon his return I will be curious to see what happens. I hope to goodness that it will go the way I wish it to, but I certainly don’t know where I’m supposed to be. I’ve got to let destiny take me where it may.

Had the best job interview I have ever had last week. I should hear something next week. I’m very anxious to get good news. I know I would be a wonderful fit. I hope they feel the same way. I guess the countdown is on. Again, I must depend on fate and destiny to take me where it will. I am so ready for the future, but I am enjoying the present as well. I am ready for that next step though. Maybe just maybe this is it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Contentment

I love these rare moments in life when unexpectedly the hubbub dies down, things are quiet, you are alone (which you welcome), and for just a few moments in the day can hear yourself think. Your own voice in your own head...clearly. I love these moments.

So much has changed in my life over the past month or so – it’s not the tangible and visible changes that I refer to (although there have been many of those). Instead, it is the psychological changes, renewed emotional strength, and rebirth of my faith in the world and in my future. I wouldn’t hesitate to say that I can explain these changes, but I can tell you that the physical changes in my life and the concurrence with the psychological and emotional changes must be linked somehow. I ended a relationship – generally a moment of fear, anxiety, loss – perhaps that is what it should have been, but wasn’t. I am free and I genuinely like me. I am okay being single. I am okay with the world and my future – my dreams are moving closer – I can feel them. I know they are there and while for many months I had lost sight of them, they are back! I had lost myself – my very soul - in that relationship. To think that, terrifies me, but it is the truth. I can feel myself in the world again and it feels amazing!

Saturday night brought a night of random events and the rebirth of old relationships. Beginning with just a small group of three, it expanded to 8, and then to 2. I spent the evening with an old friend. Someone who has loved me for years (which I have never been aware of until recently) and someone who makes me laugh. I think I laughed more Saturday night than I have in months – giggles, laughing until my cheeks hurt and tears ran from my eyes – there is no better feeling in this world than that kind of laughter. I had forgotten how addictive it is. We spent the entire night talking, laughing, and finally collapsing into bed with a friendly good-night kiss and arms around one another – complete innocence. Can I tell you how rare that is these days – to be able/willing to fall asleep away from my own bed, but even more amazingly for it to be completely innocent? Without some ulterior motive on one or both of our parts? Was exactly what I needed. I’ve known Mark for 10 years – his enthusiasm is contagious and his sense of humor completely intoxicating! Although I’ve never been attracted to him I have heard through close mutual friends that he has strong feelings for me – I would never have known otherwise and find that fascinating as I am usually a great judge of human character. It was an incredible night and I think it was for him too!

Earlier in the week I finally got the requisite post break up lay courtesy of an ex-boyfriend (a.k.a. a repeat offender). Do you know how it is when you have been having amazing sex with someone and then the next one to come along is only mediocre? How disappointing!!! Incredibly huge penis, mediocre technique. Overall, I would have to give the entire performance about a 7 (out of 10). This guy has always had a special place in my heart and years ago I would have married him had he asked, but obviously he didn’t. Now, we are both single – at the same time which hasn’t happened in years! The next morning I actually found myself thinking how much effort (on my part) it would take to get his performance up to par. He isn’t bad, just doesn’t have the technique and artistry of Randy (always a 9.98 at a minimum - crappy boyfriend, average penis, most incredible and explosive sex I’ve ever had). What a change in perspective – too much effort? Are you kidding me? Two years ago I would have been game. I couldn't believe I actually had to stop and ask myself that. Not that I wouldn’t if I cared enough about the person, but at this point it just seems like such a hassle!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The informality of email and text messaging while vital and wonderful can also be quite the curse! This morning a friend emails this long newsy email which I thoroughly enjoyed – then she tossed in “have to talk to you later…”. For a curious (some might call it nosey, but I think curious sounds more dignified) and slightly (temporarily) unstable individual such as myself such vague words typed into a keyboard or telephone number pad is a kiss of death. What could she be referring to? Some new development with my ex Randy (the one with whom she still works)? Or something good that I might actually want to hear? Damn the informality of electronic messaging! No, intonation, no voice mannerisms to give away what she meant! Now, with all the work I have sitting on my desk before me, I am doomed to continue to ask the question (to myself of course) – “what could it be”. Guess I will find out at happy hour tonight. Popped a Xanax to get through the morning then was hit by this – now I sit begging it to “kick in, kick in, kick in…”!

Of course this brings me to the biggest question of them all – why do I care? If it were any of my other friends I would anticipate some juicy gossip involving two or more local individuals and their stupid shenanigans. Not with this girl, she’s anything but a gossip – one of the reasons I love and respect her so much – wish I could be more like her in that respect. Which is why I know whatever it is, it is about yours truly! Yes, I’m as guilty as the rest – discussing the lives of those around us and dissecting them into the who’s, what’s, and why’s of their actions. No, it isn’t malicious it’s just the nature of living in a town with a population of approximately 40,000. See, it isn’t the size of the town that’s primarily the issue; rather it is the joys of the southern caste system. Only in India you thought? Well let me bring you up to speed – much has changed in the south in the last 200 years, but some things remain very much the same. No metropolitan status, international connections, technological innovations, or theatrical and artistic culture has eliminated the basic ideals and thoughts of southern culture. Birthright, family name, “old” versus “new” money, breeding, and adherence to etiquette – all these things still matter. If you are lucky enough to be born with all these things, please step to the front of the line, but make sure you don’t get out of line because much like gravity, it is easy to fall, but moving upwards and fighting your way up in the social strata isn’t all that easy. Luckily (I guess) I was born into a family with those means, ends, and I learned “right from wrong” (and I don’t mean ethics, I mean etiquette). Where I was truly lucky is that I was also born to parents who knew, played, and understood the game, who held the cards, but who didn’t truly subscribe to those values. Added depth – I like to think so. So what’s behind the “did you hear” and the “can you believe” is not malicious, but a means of judging your own worth. If you’re lucky, you move through the vicious girls who turn into vicious women and learn that your value lies within you and wherever you fit in the social schema, well that’s just where you fit – not a definition of your own self-worth. So many women never reach that point and find themselves living empty lives because in the end being at the top can’t make your life a full nor does it make it worth getting out of bed everyday, but it’s the nature of the beast. It makes you stronger and a little smarter in the end.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Big V-D

Valentines Day - not what you were thinking...

Passed Randy on my way to work this morning (oh the joys of living in a small city - everyone knows everyone and sees everyone regularly - what I wouldn't give for the anonymity of a bigger city!!!!) Gave the obligatory smile and wave and then waited for that pang of sadness, loss, disgruntlement, something - but where I anticipated emotion, there was nothing. A cheesy Valentine's blessing? Maybe.

This morning I'm consumed with the drudge of a job that exhausts me and the bower of flowers being delivered to fellow coworkers. Its somewhat reminiscent of a funeral I giggled to myself as I wound my way back to my office. Gotta love a day full of chocolate and flowers - ironically I'm not terribly fond of either on any other day of the year, but on Feb. 14th I have a good 24 hours of desire for both. We all want what we don't have I guess.

Embarking on a new path today - its been two months since I last had sex. Recent ex decided that he wanted to work on his relationship with Christ so he wished to abstain from sex - but gambling and drinking continued to be okay. I knew that was heading somewhere I didn't want to go, but I couldn't bring myself to be "that person". You know the one - breaking it off because of a moratorium on sex? How petty - wrong not petty at all, but I'd never been in that situation and wasn't exactly sure where to go with it. Regardless, I am ready for the simplicity of a friendly hook-up - unfortunately that isn't where my head is these days. Damn pseudo-maturity!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Moving Forward?

The reality of life is difficult to stomach sometimes. My life isn’t disastrous or unbearable by any means – it is the disconnect between where I had always “thought” I’d be at this point in my life. You know those dreams and plans you develop in childhood and carry into adulthood with you – from personal experience I wasn’t even fully aware of what those “plans” and expectations were until now. Today at 26 I find myself struggling to get by financially, single in all respects of the word, still somewhat lost in what career I want to pursue. After finishing undergraduate and graduate school I always believed I would be set for my career, yet the delicate balance between education and experience always swings in the direction of experience and I’m knocked out of the contention. I have a job – not a career. It pays most of the bills but the purpose was to get me through graduate school which it has – now its time for a change. Its time for me to begin a career with room for growth and change – and (practically) a paycheck that can pay all the bills and still give me money to eat! Everyday I send out resumes and hope for a response. The beauty and curse of small city life is the need for connections to find a job – I am beginning to wise up to the ways of the social and professional strata here. Even job hunting is a learning experience. Recently I’ve taken to pulling every professional string I have because financially things are getting out of hand. Student loans will be coming due soon and just the cost of living (while extremely reasonable in this small town – my paycheck reflects that low cost of living!) is beginning to break me. Certainly I am not limiting my options – that would be the most ignorant thing I could do – I explore new areas daily, but in the end the trade offs of the cost of moving and higher costs of living in more metropolitan areas is considerable and must be taken into consideration. When I watch the news and hear statistics on the “positive outlook of the job market” and “the improvements the economy is making with regard to the labor force” I am amazed. How many college graduates and post-graduates I know who are struggling to find a career – an opportunity to use the education they’ve worked so hard to obtain! I'm hardly the only one, but sometimes it feels that way.

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Xanax – the pills that help me get through the day. Before anyone jumps on me for being honest – they were legally prescribed. There is so much uncertainty in every aspect of my life – getting through the day to day without an anxiety attack is more and more difficult. Helping me to find new options and possible paths to take ahead of me. The fear, anxiety, and uncertainty seem to fade away and ease my mind to a point where I can focus on the immediate things. I hope that one day I’ll be able to move beyond the need for these pills and be able to handle all of these things on my own.
The reality of life is difficult to stomach sometimes. My life isn’t disastrous or unbearable by any means – it is the disconnect between where I had always “thought” I’d be at this point in my life. You know those dreams and plans you develop in childhood and carry into adulthood with you – from personal experience I wasn’t even fully aware of what those “plans” and expectations were until now. Today at 26 I find myself struggling to get by financially, single in all respects of the word, still somewhat lost in what career I want to pursue. After finishing undergraduate and graduate school I always believed I would be set for my career, yet the delicate balance between education and experience always swings in the direction of experience and I’m knocked out of the contention. I have a job – not a career. It pays most of the bills but the purpose was to get me through graduate school which it has – now its time for a change. Its time for me to begin a career with room for growth and change – and (practically) a paycheck that can pay all the bills and still give me money to eat! Everyday I send out resumes and hope for a response. The beauty and curse of small city life is the need for connections to find a job – I am beginning to wise up to the ways of the social and professional strata here. Even job hunting is a learning experience. Recently I’ve taken to pulling every professional string I have because financially things are getting out of hand. Student loans will be coming due soon and just the cost of living (while extremely reasonable in this small town – my paycheck reflects that low cost of living!) is beginning to break me. Certainly I am not limiting my options – that would be the most ignorant thing I could do – I explore new areas daily, but in the end the trade offs of the cost of moving and higher costs of living in more metropolitan areas is considerable and must be taken into consideration. When I watch the news and hear statistics on the “positive outlook of the job market” and “the improvements the economy is making with regard to the labor force” I am amazed. How many college graduates and post-graduates I know who are struggling to find a career – an opportunity to use the education they’ve worked so hard to obtain.

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Xanax – the pills that help me get through the day. Before anyone jumps on me for being honest – they were legally prescribed. There is so much uncertainty in every aspect of my life – getting through the day to day without an anxiety attack is more and more difficult. Helping me to find new options and possible paths to take ahead of me. The fear, anxiety, and uncertainty seem to fade away and ease my mind to a point where I can focus on the immediate things. The physical manifestation of stress that stays tight within my chest and shoulders eases as though slipping away from me. One day, when I have regained control of my life once again I will be able to move beyond the need for these pills and be able to handle all of these things on my own. One step at a time...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Future

He called – the love of my life. He’s been out of town for the weekend at a wedding up in north Georgia and he just got back into town tonight. Was surprised to see his name pop up on my cell phone – was so excited. I can’t say that it means anything, but it certainly felt good. When our relationship ended so many years ago, I thought so much about working things out and getting back together with him – it was a part of my daily thoughts, prayers, and dreams. Those faded over time (several years) and I was first aware that my feelings for him were gone when I fell in love with another. I’ve always been aware that I’ve compared my feelings for others I’ve been involved with (including those I’ve loved since him) to where I was at that time. The idea of possibly feeling that way again – to completely lose yourself in someone else, to trust someone completely, to have someone understand my craziness and my sanity as deeply as he did – seemed so foreign and as I’ve moved towards my late 20’s, impossible. When he and I first regained contact with one another I was so reluctant simply because of fear. Have you ever felt that fear? Fear of being burned so deeply that you can feel it in your toes – where your heart aches and feels as though it is genuinely broken, where your faith in the world and everything you’ve known is gone, and everything that you will learn in the future seems as if it isn’t worth knowing. Walking into happy hour with him two months ago (as friends only) my heart jumped into my throat – I had survived several years where there were no feelings and everything in my heart for him was gone, but at that moment I could hardly breathe. Even today I can pinpoint that feeling – was it fear that I would immediately fall back in love with him or maybe it was an innate knowledge that the past was not so far behind me – it was then, at that moment and I was skating on the edge of reliving it. Since that time, we’ve moved into a comfortable friendship completed with laughter and relaxed times. Sometimes I look at him and just smile because I’m just happy to in his presence. Other times I am incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful friend. We all want that magic crystal ball that will permit us a glimpse of what is to come. To know the future seems, in theory, an incredible thing, but perhaps our lack of knowledge of what is to come is what makes life worth living. Maybe seeing the bad to come wouldn’t help us avoid the negative and maybe seeing the good to come would only take away the joy of happiness in our lives. Time will reveal my future and for now I am left to experience each day for what it is, and hope that in time I will understand my mistakes, learn from them, and value my future. I am ready to fall in love – and I hope it will come my way.
I have been officially single for two weeks now. I’ve moved beyond those crazy initial days after a break up. Those moments when you move through your days "ok" but just going through the motions until a memory or thought - some trigger brings on that searing pain and sadness. My progression in these post-breakup days has been quick – almost too quickly in some respects. After all after a year of being together one would think my heart would still ache, but I can honestly say the pain and sadness just isn't there. I ended the relationship, but unfortunately not before he could try to break my heart in his dirty passive aggressive way. Its rare that I’m single – not that I believe that to be a good thing. In all honesty, its difficult for me to be single. I hate the random dating scene, hate first dates, and hate the men who pounce once they find out you are single again. As much as I have been “single” in the past, after three and one half years of being in a relationship (I ended at 2 ½ year relationship last year and began dating Randy immediately afterward) I’ve emerged from my relationships painfully aware that I’m entering a new world. Holidays and nights filled with new engagements, the anticipatory phone calls announcing a couple’s decision to move in together, and weekends filled with weddings have left me as my only “single” friend. It’s a strange new place to be. Ironic in a way – considering that I’ve always been the one “with someone”. The truth? I’m a great dater (despite hating it so much) but in the end I’m not always that great of a girlfriend. I certainly would never cheat, but I’m somewhat fickle. I’m left to wonder if that will change if I meet the “one” or if I simply am that type of person – always wanting the things I simply do not allow myself to have. I can’t answer that now. The point is that I am attempting to navigate this new world of the single girl. The quietness of the weekend has promoted my loneliness. Being by myself has always been something I enjoy – but it is difficult when a part of me yearns for something new. My relationship with Randy was over before we formally ended it. Our communication and feelings had deteriorated to the point that I don’t believe either one of us knew exactly who the other was. Such a sad place to be, but the truth. In the past few months I’ve rekindled a friendship with someone who used to be the love of my life. Sadly the relationship didn’t work out and it took me about three years to walk away. I would be lying if I said some of the emotions and feelings haven’t lingered. The time we’ve spent together recently has been strictly friendly, but I want so much to move towards another place with him. I guess I’m afraid to try simply because my heart was so badly broken years ago. Friendship is safer and easier – and of course its great to spend time with an old friend who knows so much about you. For now I am just trying to adjust to the changes in my life and to make other changes that I am desperate for. I know in time they will come, but for now I am simply testing the waters and trying to find my place in the world.

Friday, February 10, 2006

What is the lure of blogging?

I've been asking myself that question since I first entertained the idea of jumping on the blogging bandwagon - I guess we're all voyeurs to some extent. Wanting to know about the behaviors, thoughts and feelings that those around us would never utter in an open forum. The fears and shames that we would only utter under a cloak of anonymity. So why write a blog? I guess I can't really say, except that the cathartic release of words on a page (or a screen) is terribly tempting and intoxicating. So here I am. My life is far from spectacular - but maybe that is why I want to blog. A lifelong journal writer, I've learned the value of verbal release - spilling your thoughts, pain, and happiness out onto a page, but this is different. A very private person, I've always worked hard to protect myself and portray an image of strength and stability. I want to exorcise some of that with this blog.

"I'm in a transitional phase" I've been saying that for months. Hopefully its true, but somehow I'm beginning to doubt my own words. I've always been goal oriented - probably to a fault - its gotten me far in many respects. I've accomplished a lot for my age, but I'm not where I wish to be. As independent as I am, I've always depended on my myself, but now I want to hear the words of others. I am opening my life here - putting it out on the table for the world to see, consider, judge, and comment on. I welcome your thoughts and opinions openly. Sure, there will be times they're difficult to hear, but I can't help but believe it will make me a more open and better person in the end.

Some general things about me?
1) I'm a good southern girl who knows the value and importance of the simplicity of pearls.
2) I'm your average girlie girl - I love to look beautiful and also know there's nothing quite as fantastic as an amazing pair of shoes!
3) I'm your traditional single commitmentphobe who is always attracted to the "wrong" man and naturally I'm a bit of a serial dater.
4) I don't live in a super sexy and exciting city but I enjoy my life and try to make the most of everything everyday.
5) I make a LOT of mistakes, but rarely do I make the same one twice!!!

That's enough for now - I will share more through my experiences over time. I hope this will become my new "journal" so to speak. Bear with me as I adjust to all of this - as it is a new and exciting place to go. I'm going to put it all out there - the good and the bad - and see where this new journey takes me....
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